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Main -> Dating -> Dating Someone With A Mental Illness Can Be Hard, But This Guy On Reddit Totally Nailed It
  • 01.01.2019
  • by Tahn

Dating Someone With A Mental Illness Can Be Hard, But This Guy On Reddit Totally Nailed It

Struggles Of Dating A VERY RICH Girl...(r/AskReddit)

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We've been married for 15 years now. I wouldn't date someone without a history of these illnesses. Not just date actually, even be good friends with. I just don't click with people who didn't go through the same shit as me.

It might seem juvenile, but at this point I'm 27, have my shit together and other kinds of people just don't do it for me. Go figure. I even married one. My wife struggles with low grade depression and anxiety. She takes medication for both, but it took us years to find the right combo. She's awesome, funny, and cute. We agreed on the big stuff: money, marriage, and kids. She dated me when I had little going on financially, but she saw my potential and stuck with me.

I would. It doesn't matter if they're feeling depressed or anxiety. I will help them out to the best of my ability. If things don't work out, that's fine! Life has a way of challenging us for experiences and I want to believe in the power of trying. No because it's going to trigger mine. I'm out of that shithole and I ain't going back.

We didn't made it, it is hard, we both have those problem and we always clash so it is better to end everything we started.

I love nerds, its my thing most of them have anxieties or depression and sometimes it turns me on. I feel most people go through depression, so it's not something I think about but yeah I've got my own issues so I'd like to help her and have her help me I guess. Sure, i've dated some people like that in the past. Any kind of mental issue doesn't really bother me.

She has severe depression, with good reason, but is on effective medication. She went off it recently and I had no idea how bad it was for her without it. Yes, however the people I have met with depression or anxiety make it almost impossible to even get into a dating or long term dating or significant other relationship.

They are the most distant and flaky people I've met. So now I try not to want to date or get a crush on those type of people if at all possible. I kind of have a thing for sad girls. Definitely would. I've struggled with that stuff my whole life so I feel like I'd be a hypocrite if I held that up as a deal breaker. As long as they were taking care of themselves, it wouldn't be a problem. It really depends. I have depression and anxiety myself. I would really prefer not to date someone who doesn't understand those things.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to date someone whose depression and anxiety were going to make mine worse. Almost one year with my girl. She has anxiety. Other than that, she is a lovely person and I am her first. Every since we talked.

I knew she deserved loved and she didn't deserve what people have now a days which never works out but they still do it anyways. I stayed by her when she had her anxiety. We never argued.

We play fight because we can never get mad at each other. We connected so much that she had the courage to ask me out. I said yes and she couldn't believe anything. She got over her anxiety that time. But she still had it after that. I always love her. I made her lose her anxiety for quite some time. I had to leave over the summer so we rarely saw each other for a while. She got it again and she feels bad because she can't give me hugs or kisses like before and she thinks I'm sad about that.

I'm not sad, it's my fault I couldn't be with her much. I'm still with here because I know she can get over it again. It takes time! I can wait because I waited before. I don't plan on moving or even seeing anyone. We can talk about anything and you usually can't find people like her. I appreciate her everyday and all that she does for me. I am always afraid that one day I will lose her because of something stupid I will say.

I have anxiety and it's very possible I have other mental illnesses. Remember the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. If I was still single, I would. It's literally my job to make people feel better, so I would not mind this at all. I am now and if it were to end I probably wouldn't date someone with those issues again, just too much to deal with at certain times. I had a girlfriend for about 7 months that more or less wanted attention and acted depressed most likely because of it.

It sucked, bluntly honest. Constantly telling her that she wasn't ugly and that everyone cares about her and that people didn't hate her just took too much out of me. It's a rough slope can be done though. I would if there's something about her I like. Mainly because I would genuinely like her, but partly because I've gone through some bad stuff myself, and more than anything what I really wish I had was just someone I could count on to be there for me.

The thing is, I did have people around me who were there for me, it's just they didn't know, and I didn't speak up. So in this case, I assume that at some point or another she would have told me. In which case I would do everything in my power to remind her that I'm there for her through whatever she's going through, and she can always come to me when she's feeling low.

And I'll stick by her until she gets better, however long that takes. And if she leaves me after that, I think I'll be okay with it. At least I helped her. Perhaps in the haze that is depression I might have been ideal, but with that all cleared up, perhaps she might not see me that way anymore, and I'd be fine with it.

Either way, she's become better, and that's enough for me. Anything more than that from her would really just be an awesome bonus. My girlfriend has pretty bad anxiety, other than that she's the most caring, wonderful human I've ever met.

She takes medication for it and it works. Life's not tough at all. It's one of the most exhausting experiences I've ever had being with someone. Trying to get your partner to seek help when you can clearly see that they need it, only for them to continue avoiding it, is an utterly terrible experience. She used to have panic attacks and is currently on a small dose of anti-anxiety meds.

We have a very healthy relationship in my personal opinion. A sizable chunk of people will deal with mental issues. Because it's not worth it and it's bad for you. Why would you willingly sign up for relationship that will only make you unhappy I'm the long run I very much support the idea that if you want to have romantic relationships, love and all that stuff, FIX yourself first!

Don't expect other people to fix you. Now hear me out, what I'm saying is that you can get treatment for it but it's something you have to stay on top of. I can't just take a pill and claim that I'm cured of depression. So yes I agree that you need to be undergoing treatment and taking care of yourself before expecting a healthy relationship, but it's not just an insta-fix, it's something you have to maintain. That's all great and everything but many people with mental health issues don't just have a fix.

The same way someone in a wheelchair can't just fix their legs before being allowed love. Ofc they can use prosthetics, frames and a wheelchair to prevent it from being a massive issue in the same way people with mental health issues can take medication and undergo therapy but this isn't a fix. Many people with mental health issues can bounce back but not all can or it can take years to be free of medication and management and be able to say no you dont have a mental health issue.

In the meantime when it's being managed why not? Dating someone with a mental health issue does not make them automatically an awful partner or person. No, only because I've dealt with anxiety myself.

It did however feel good to share it with my friends. But I still felt that it was easier having only having to think and care about myself whenever I had a anxiety attack. But I honestly don't think I'd start dating someone that was suffering from these conditions. No, I watched one my best friends go through it. She drained him and caused him to fall into bad habits he had got rid of before her.

It was trash.

Dating a depressed girl reddit

Not worth it. Downvote me if you want, but that's my opinion. And usually it's the second one. Just my experience. Two people with depression and anxiety issues together does not mix well in my experience, and every time a relationship like that has formed, it hasn't ended well. Married for 10 years to someone with depression. I didn't realize the toll it would take on me. That being said I wouldn't take my choice back. I think the comments about making sure the person is doing something active to combat it are important.

I'm of the opinion there is no cure so you have to be active in finding ways to cope. I have never dated someone with mental illness. My answer to you : No, I would not. Primary reason is that I had a roommate a girl, old friend not so long time ago, who had severe mental issues. We knew each other for 10 years. So while we were at university, we decided that we could go together as roommates. Biggest mistake ever. She was anxious, depressed, very easily annoyed. She had that attitude "my way or highway".

She never did a compromise. She always needed some help, to do that or that for her, while never other way around. In the end of our friendshipshe literally threw me out on a street on a saturday evening.

She called landlord behind my back and told him lies about me. So I went homeless in a matter of hours. After I moved out, she sent me messages to give her back her coffee mugs which I have apparently stolen from her. If they are willing to seek help, then yes. But it also depends on their maturity too.

Women Reveal Most Crazy Girlfriend Thing They've done

For me I was dating a guy that was insecure and fragile. Also I feel that he was a bit too young for me. However, like many have said, it definitely depends on how that person's handling their issues. Yes of course, but these issues are serious and can't be left alone. I had a girlfriend who had body dysmorphia, bi polar, and depression. She actively went to counseling and took medication but otherwise she didn't change her bleak outlook on life.

It in turn made me even more depressed and anxious than I am already. I'd say that the person needed to have it under control and it shouldn't affect how the other partner feels. My SO has severe depression and anxiety. It doesn't make me love her any less. I do everything I can to support her and help her when things are rough.

I know what it's like to deal with both to a much lesser extent so I can empathize. If we we've been together for a long time and I actually love her and she told me then I wouldn't mind.

We support each other and that's how it's supposed to be. Keep in mind - no matter how hard and inconvenient depression or anxiety is for you, it's a million times more so for the person dealing with it. As a man whose dealt with bipolar disorder II related depression, cPTSD and anxiety my entire adult life - i know it can be taxing to be with me at times.

But in the end im just a guy who feels deeply and just wants a so-called normal life like anyone else. Kind of hypocritical of me since I suffered from them ever since I was a kid up until this past year but I would be wary. Depends on the severity of it. And I feel bad for saying it but I saw how hard it was for the women I've been with before and I even experienced it with a horribly abusive woman so I know it from the other perspective and I honestly don't have time nor the patience for anyone who isn't at least helping themselves get better in some way.

I still experience depression here and there but compared to where I once was, I'm practically in a different universe now. I don't care for that whole "you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else" phrase and instead reword it with "You have to help yourself before you help somebody else.

Tbh you need to do you to make sure toxic people dont kick your mental health issues back up. It's akin to being a caveman that lives in a cliff wall but wanting a wheelchair user to rent a room. It's not going to work out. People have different needs without an illness complicating it so you should not have any shame in doing what you need to do and cutting out the people who are bad for you to preserve your sanity.

Ofc assuming the worst is a pretty ugly personal trait and you should try and give people a chance not filed with your assumptions you are your priority.

Don't forget that. My gf has anxiety, and while we've had our tough moments, she is a wonderful person and incredibly compatible with me. Her anxiety has also helped me to be more forthcoming about any issues I have with her, because she just can't handle it if I go silent and don't talk about what's bothering me. She really appreciates that. Did for over five years. She finally started getting better.

Then she broke up with me because she wanted to try on her own.

That was a month ago. I did before. She said early she suffered from depression. That's all I thought it was. Turns out it was a burning case of BPD which is hell on wheels for any sane person to deal with. Even to this day, I feel guilt for things in my own home that she would have yelled at me for, or at least dirty looked at me about.

Things like walking too loudly, leaving the seat up, or putting on the wrong color of shoes. Since then, I have a new appreciation for having relationships with mentally and emotionally healthy people.

That said, if it were really just anxiety or depression, and they could demonstrate they have actively managed it and take responsibility for it, I would probably give them a chance, at least for awhile. But I would be on the lookout for other more problematic cluster B disorders while doing so. I dated someone with depression and it was a struggle. We lasted three months, idk if it was the depression but she locked me out of her life constantly to a point where I couldnt be happy anymore.

Would I date someone in the future with depression, maybe? But i definitely wouldnt give my heart out so fast. Diagnosed with bipolar schizoaffective disorder myself.

I love helping people, especially with mental health conditions, but sometimes I'm just not up to it, and attempting to help someone else puts my mental and physical wellbeing at risk.

I'm in recovery, but that doesn't mean it's all sunshine and roses. If she's also in recovery, but prior to that I have a really hard time being close to someone with these issues, mostly because negative feedback loops are real. It's really difficult to give an answer to general questions like this. I think it's impossible to make a generalization on something like this because every person is different.

Not a man, but coming from someone who's dealing with depression and anxiety, it's really hard to deal when it's someone who's not seeking any help. You can only do so much to help a person. If she developed it in the relationship now I wouldn't break up with her - at least not before she completely wore me out - but I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who's got anxiety or more than mild depression.

I would because I've been alone so long I just want someone to love and I can try to make them happy. I have already battled couple of deep and long depressions and severe anxieties in my life. I've got my my wife out of a depression. So, yes for sure. If I love that person I will go through everything just to be with that person. If she can't handle it herself, we will handle it together. I've been on both sides of the equation, and neither is fun; depression kills your motivation for doing virtually anything if you let it go, and romantic relationships require work from both sides to stay alive.

Now, managed depression is fine, but if the depression has become a major part of your life then you need to get that under control.


Trying to get a relationship going with a seriously depressed person is like making a promise that both of you know you can't keep. I think anxiety is something that many people experience in various degrees. Depression is different, I don't think I could date someone whose depression is so bad that it gets to the point of suicidal thoughts. However, so long as they're not suicidal I think I would be able to date them. We're all human after all. I have those problems myself so I'd be a hypocrite for those to be red flags.

My girlfriend has also recently been convinced that she has depression herself but she doesn't let it consume her or rely on me completely for her happiness, and I return the same courtesy.

It's only a problem if one of the partners doesn't handle it well. I just got out of a relationship with someone who looking back on it I'm fairly certain had undiagnosed BPD, and my ex before that turned out to be a clinical sociopath, so in looking for my next relationship I'd probably be pretty damn guarded against psychosis.

I would hope dating someone with the same problems as me would create a kind of mutual empathy and understanding. Would try it. I have for 2,5 years. If she's working on it, and you both have established procedures and communication, it can work out just fine. The relationship ended due to circumstances beyond our control. My gf has depression and anxiety, I also do, so I think that's why we work so well.

We help each other through rough times and understand like a lot of other people can't. Yes I would. I've been through depression and I'm in varying state of anxious most days, so it would be kind of shitty to expect a partner to be ok with anxiety but not be ok with it myself.

Why yes? Because people with depression are still people.

When it comes to dating someone with a mental illness, Reddit user comforts his girlfriend through her spurts of anxiety and depression with. There is an ocean of difference between being supportive in your partner's time of need and being a therapist, you can't do the latter. Treating depression is way . [Serious]People who are dating someone with depression, what is the biggest piece I've been with a depression-prone girlfriend and she could manipulate my.

It can be work sometimes, but it's not a constant strain on others like some more severe mental illnesses can be. It's also one of the few if not only one that people sticking by them and showing the person affection helps cure it. I don't specifically look for women with depression but I would be an awful piece of shit to let that be a reason to date one. I have depression and anxiety and I would definitely date someone with the same issues as me.

Loneliness is a big reason. Being alone with no one to talk to about your troubles makes this a lot worse. Hopefully we could support each other and be there for each other, making both of us happier and more stable. Dated and married. It has been tough, but worth it. She is climbing out of it and doing tons better. The hubs and I have been together for 22 years. I got diagnosed and treated for severe depression and anxiety about 10 years ago.

It was really rough on him and our kids. I wasn't even aware of how hard it was on them. When my little girl told me that I spent more time sleeping in my bedroom than most mom's, I went and got help. My girlfriend has manic depression, aka bipolar disorder.

And I mean yeah it's hard sometimes. But I think when you love someone then it shouldn't stop you. It's hard as hell when she talks about suicide and stuff like that and I do start to panic a lot. But I love her and love being there for her. And I think it's getting better. And I have no problem being here for her the rest of our lives.

Yes, but if it doesn't work out or becomes a pain to deal with, then obviously it's not meant to be. Been with a girl with borderline, depression, anxiety, the works, for 3 years now. We're happy and have a 6 month old son. I have twice now. First time was harder as it was depression.

The second ended very recently and after talking to another good friend of mine thinks it's down to depression again, but they dealt with anxiety too which I found theirs easy to deal with, my own not so much. Personally, I think a big mistake many people make is that they view self-love solely as a recovery mechanism for mental illness and low self-esteem, rather than as something each of us deserves every moment of every day. Self-affirmations, for example, are something everyone should -- and easily can -- practice.

Being genuinely grateful for all of the good the universe has gifted you, and having pride in who you are as an individual can really shape and set the tone of your everyday life.

From there, create a second list that reflects who and what in your life makes you feel happiest. You can even adopt bodaveez's idea and plant sticky notes scribbled with inspirational quotes all over your home to inspire you at any given time. The more positive ideas and thoughts that surround you, the easier it will become to block out any unnecessary negativity the comes your way.

Of course, if you're struggling with a mental illness, it's advised that you seek professional help to find the best course of therapy for you. Any post asking for advice should be generic and not specific to your situation alone. Askreddit is for open-ended discussion questions. Posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information, real or fake, will result in a ban without a prior warning. Askreddit is not your soapbox, personal army, or advertising platform.

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I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. As a partner, you can help someone have a happy life, but that is very different from being able to cure someone's depression.

There is an ocean of difference between being supportive in your partner's time of need and being a therapist, you can't do the latter. Treating depression is way above the paygrade of a partner, and should be in the hands of a professional if it goes on more than a few months. Don't burn yourself out trying to fix them, you can't because you aren't the problem.

But you can help them get the help they need. Know that it's OK to feel frustrated and angry about the situation, and not just on behalf of your partner, just because it's hard on you. Take breaks and assert your need for your own space and taking care of your mental needs as well. If you are exhausted and drained, you aren't any good to anyone, so everyone benefits. Don't let your partner manipulate you with their depression. Saying things like, "you are the only reason I go on living," are not necessarily romantic soliloquies.

They can make you feel trapped and like you can't be assertive about what you need or have your own space. Be wary of a time when your relationship may switch from you supporting a partner through a health crisis, to you feeling like you are being held hostage by their misery. Anyone who says, "I can't live without you, if you leave me I will kill myself," is likely not in a state where they can even be a partner to you.

You don't have to completely abandon them, but what that person needs is a friend and some serious professional help. That is not a loving thing to say, it's a scary threat - leave.

Just to add on to this, if the depressed partner is telling you they would rather you leave and look after yourself than stay and resent them making like unbearable for bothfucking do it.

I've been the depressed person living with someone that clearly hates me for my illness, and don't put it past us to see through the thinly veiled mask of concern. I may be biased as it was an abusive relationship for years before that, but I can't count how many times I begged him to leave whilst I was in the worst of my depression and chronic illness. Wanted to drop you a message.

She disappeared Sunday morning without so much as a note. She was amazing last year whilst I was unwell; psychotic episode with major depression. No problem at all, that's partly why I thought sharing my experience might be useful, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation but hopefully talking to an impartial stranger will help a tiny bit. It's always difficult ending a relationship when you really love someone, and it seems like quite understandably you are more worried about how she will cope than yourself.

It is painful and horrible feeling like you're hurting the other person, but I promise in time it will the right thing. If it has gotten to the point where communication has broken down like her walking out without a wordand you recognise that the relationship is toxic, then the best thing for both of you will be to end things.

Think of it this way, you can try and fix things and push through for months, maybe years as I didultimately causing much more pain and a longer recovery time post breakup, or you can break things off now, which will cause a lot of short term pain but will ultimately lead to less pain overall. Please feel free to message me any time, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Sometimes love just isn't enough, and although it's incredibly difficult to see it, you will both in time feel more settled in yourselves and will be able to identify toxic elements of a future relationship before they become harmful. My wife of 10 years has had depression for a couple of years as a side-effect of a physical illness she has. She feels useless and it hurts her mentally. I've learned through trial and error that you can never be their councilor. Support them and help them, but never tell them how to get better.

Having your own space is incredibly important because I don't have the motivation to help her if I never have any time to myself. As someone who suffers from depression this is an amazing and overall very accurate post. There are some great points in here. Thank you for posting this. This is why I have hidden and downplayed my depression with past girlfriends.

I didn't want them to feel like I needed to be taken care of or that they were obligated or trapped. This is excellent! When I got together with my boyfriend, my depression did lift for a few months This is great advice.

My wife has had some anxiety and depression issues. She is also a therapist herself. And not only can you not be a successful therapist as a close partner to someone it is highly unethical in the world of therapy for a reason.

I was with someone like this for almost a year. He had much more going on than just depression.

Depression is such a tricky thing. . I used to date someone with depression and I was depressed . Please be patient with your girlfriend. r/AskWomen: AskWomen: A subreddit dedicated to asking women questions about their thoughts, lives, and experiences; providing a place where all . She had severe depression and anxiety issues, and at first it was fine, and I thought . pay and duration as women receive with maternal leave, why or why not?.

He was abusive and manipulative and everything else. I started getting so fed up with the guilting and the "If you leave I'll kill myself" that one day we were sitting in my car and he said it so I pulled out my pocket knife and called him on it.

Shortly after that I left him. Not currently dating them, but dated a guy who was depressed and had intense mood swings. Basically, you cannot be their partner and counselor at the same time. Good for the two of you for realizing what is the best for both of you! My girlfriend now ex broke up with me due to something about me not being able to handle her depression well.

The thing about this is, 1. I'm not her therapist. She dropped her therapist 6 months or so before dating me, because apparently they didn't help. Clearly, nothing will because if your friends, family, and boyfriend can't help, there isn't much hope for you.

I encouraged her to see her therapist again but she always said no 2. I have had no mental health issues myself other than some minor ADHD before, so yeah, it's kinda hard for me to put myself in your shoes. I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could when she was having some "bouts??? Whenever she was feeling ok, she was great to hang out and talk with, but when she was feeling depressed she basically just refused help and cut off everyone from herself, including me.

She eventually broke up with me because I didn't really know what her depression was like or something, but also because she wanted to be able to be friends with benefits with multiple people, so I guess that's that. We are kinda young as well so a high school relationship isn't really the best, but it just really do be like that sometimes I guess.

I agree with other comments as well, it's not exclusive to high school at all. If at 22 this sounds super similar to my situation, I'm sure others much older deal with the same. Thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a good guy, and you probably already know this. But please don't blame yourself for her depression or for not being able to "understand her". I have pretty bad anxiety which leads to moments of high insecurity, panic, over analysing and irrational-ism.

I've had to learn that in order to make my relationship work, I had to recognise that my SO is NOT there for me to dump all of that emotion onto. To distinguish that your SO being there for you in tough times like in all relationships from needing professional help is really important for both parties to understand in order to have a healthy relationship.

I had a FWB setup with a guy for a while who was with a girl who badly needed therapy but wouldn't admit it, so used him as a therapist. When it got to be too much for him, he tried to break up with her and she threatened to kill herself.

We drifted apart because I quit school and he went on to a grad program. Fast forward three years. We've kinda got a thing going again and I'm considering asking him if he wants to turn this into a real relationship when he starts going downhill fast and starts using me as a therapist. I shut that shit right down. I've got some pretty bad mental demons of my own and I don't have the time, the energy, or the capacity to play shrink. He took it bad and started talking about how he wanted to harm himself.

I told him that I'd call the hospital on his behalf but I'm not playing that game. He disappears for a while, shows back up happy and healthy. We pick things up again. He starts getting aggressive. Blames me for things. Gets a little rapey in the way he talks about me and says I deserve it. I told him once that it all made me uncomfortable and he tried to pass sit off as being "sexy play".

I should note that this all had a BDSM component and that I was the dominant one, but he was a switch. He tried to tell me that "all women are naturally submissive" and that I was fighting my true nature.

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether it's "right" for someone suffering from mental illness to be going on dates and seeking relationships. I've found myself in love with a woman with a long history of depression. My girlfriend has a troubled past which lead her to be very depressed before I met her. .. r/AskMen: the premier place to ask random strangers for terrible dating. I've been there. Dated someone for a year who was clinically depressed and had major anxiety issues. It was very challenging, and honestly it was probably a.

I told him that I'm trans I'd come out to him earlier and he'd seemed to respect itand he ignored me and kept on with this "women need to be raped sometimes" bullshit sex play. So I quit talking to him. He came back to me later trying to say that he was in a rough patch and that he apologized, but I'd figured him out. He told me that his life had fallen down the shitter - his father had died suddenly, he'd had to quit his dream job to support his family, he couldn't afford his medication, etc.

If I responded he'd go right back to the manipulating and the creepy s bullshit. I stopped replying. He kept messaging me about how he was going to kill himself. I blocked him. He dropped off the face of the Earth and I thought he killed himself until, lo and behold, more than a year later I post a video about a cute dog on Facebook and he posts some scathing comment about loyalty.

I make sure I block him on all social media and move on with my life. Anyway, long story very short: it is not your duty as a partner to fix someone, and no one should expect that of you. If they do, reconsider the relationship by which I mean get out fast before you've got a novel-length text telling you that you're lying about not having a rape fantasy that you have to deal with at work.

I consider myself a very positive person, but I went to a pretty dark place quick when he started manipulating me and making me feel bad for having friends other than him. I agree. I was married for 8 years to someone who had severe depression and many times I was her care taker and not her spouse.

It took its toll on me and after the marriage i was diagnosed with depression, I think I had ignored my health for the sake of hers. I had to be my partner's financial caretaker as she couldn't hold down a job and had a ton of debt. Now I'm the depressed one and I feel guilty that she has to endure how sad I am all the time and how worthless I always feel As someone with pretty severe depression, I support this so much.

People should never be used as band aids or a cure for those of us with mental illness. Having firm boundaries on that sort of behavior can be really important.

My single brother has these intense mood swings too. Sometimes he's fine, then he shuts himself away in a foul mood than can last for days. Do you have any recommendations to help deal with this? He isn't seeing a therapist or counselor, and my parents seem to think he doesn't need one Use the "Oxygen-mask method. Make sure you can take care of yourself first and help them second. As most people here have said, you're not a psychiatrist or therapist or counsellor, you are there for support and to encourage them to go see those people.

It will only make both of your lives worse if your life outside of the relationship is negatively impacted. Study enough, get to work on time, do what you need to do in your own life so that you can help your partner without worrying about school or work.

None of this is your or your partner's fault. Lastly and probably most importantly: As much as you really truly wish that your love would be enough to make them better - it won't.

It's an important part of your relationship but they need actual help from actual professionals. It's also important to realize there are support groups for both parties in the relationship.

It might sound harsh but don't let them get away with too much because that they are ill. A certain number of allowances for their illness is called for, but if they are rude, mean or inconsiderate, call them out on it. Don't be afraid to ask them when YOU need something - just be specific in what you need them to do, e. Absolutely this. Never be afraid to call them out on crap behaviour and you are not their carer.

You are they partner. I'm mainly reading this thread to make sure I'm not taking advantage of her and to make sure she isn't enabling me. I never get angry or yell at her, and I try to do my part to make sure she is happy. But one thing that bothers me is I am worried she might be sacrificing her own happiness because she thinks I need her to. I try to ask her where she wants to eat, what she wants to do, what she wants to listen to on the radio, but she very rarely will give a real opinion.

I do things I know that are important to her that I don't necessarily like, like go to church and church events with her, but I just don't feel like it's enough. We spend pretty much all our time together and I know she's in love with me and maybe she genuinely is happy with the way things are right now. But I don't want her identity to be helping me. I want her to spend time with her friends and do things she wants to do.

I've tried expressing this to her, so I really don't think I am manipulating her. But I worry that it is going to happen. Personally I find making decisions, especially ones that involve other people, to be very draining emotionally - even seemingly simple ones like where to eat or what to watch on tv. Sometimes I like hubby to just say, hey, I want us to do X tonight is that okay with you? Depending on your personalities and relationship, something similar may be going on with her.

If she does talk about making plans with her friends, talk about your plans as to what you'd do when she's out - otherwise she may be worried you'll be miserable and lonely just waiting for her to come home. Your plans don't have to be major ones, just something simple like catching up on that tv show you know she doesn't enjoy, or getting around to reading that interesting book, or sorting out that giant box of paperwork.

It's possible she really is okay with your life together as it is. Trust her word and keep the lines of communication open. The fact that you worry about this and talk to her, sounds like you are doing right by her to me. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship, but as the long term partner of someone who has depression, good and honest communication is the key. If you had a broken leg, would you be doing what you are doing now to make her happy?

Thank you for this. We definitely are very open and honest with each other that I love. If you can't handle someone who needs emotional support, don't get in a relationship with them. It might sound bad, but people battling depression need monitoring and support.

Someone who can see past the facade they sometimes put up to hide their pain. I do agree with the person who said you can't be a partner and a counselor, but having been in that relationship before, you do end up being that from time to time. I definitely agree. The last guy I dated was understanding til he told me I was bringing him down too.

What if you could handle it for a long time but no matter what you did to try to help it either wouldn't be accepted or it would be, "I'll do it later? I'll deal with it tomorrow, I'll go tomorrow, I feel better today so I don't need it? But is it possible at the beginning to really give it your all but after years of trying, family trying, etc to just gas out and almost feel complacent? Like, "I try everyday and you don't accept it but I love you so I'll be understanding, patient, kind, etc, but if you're not gonna want help, I'm not gonna help you anymore.

I feel like sometimes as much as you want to help, if that person doesn't want to help themselves you can't do much but be there for them.

But then the relationship ends and you're left feeling so empty because you think you tried your hardest but even that wasn't enough. I hear you. First husband was like that. Was so unhappy with himself he projected it on me.

Dealt with guilt and manipulation for years because I loved him and wanted him to get better. He had more issues than just depression, so it was a toxic relationship. A person should know when they can't do it any more and that they're not a failure if they jump a sinking ship.

I would've been emotionally healthier myself if I had cut out years earlier. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I feel like a lot of it got projected on me as well. And it's such a big spectrum too. From small things like, getting so much anxiety going to a store like Walmart that you start getting anxious too. Then it turns into family events, job interviews, work itself, friends, or even within yourselves.

All of a sudden you find yourself feeling all the same things they feel even though you may have never felt like that. I feel like they sometimes don't have the introspection to actually accept it. At least in my situation. A lot of things were not her fault, or were never her fault even though they obviously were. Like, I'm saying maybe sometimes people use it as an excuse to be assholes or uncaring and want to excuse it with their mental issues. Obviously that's not the case ALL the time but do you think it happens often?

Yes, and not just with depression. Too many people make use of a major difficulty they have as a "get out of jail free" card. Not all people do this, but some use it as an excuse for all kinds of unhelpful behavior. Is there a way to get them out of this vicious circle? Could I have done anything?

I was the support circle practically and yet, I lost her. It hurts cause she feels she's right. She feels like she's anxious free now as if I was the cause of all her problems.

Going out on a limb to say that having a hard time standing up for yourself is part of the cycle too. Some people are happy enough moving on it's much easier to do so when you're not analyzine all your faults after its over.

Maybe some time later if she's had the time to stew, as will you, she can own her actions as you both let go and heal. But just you remember what you did right, and wrong, and you don't have to be gaslit anymore. I never really did stand up for myself when I think about it. It was always easier not to cause then it'd just turn into a fight or she'd just shut down on me for a while.

It's like I was instigating her then, every time I did that? Like taking the easy way out I guess right? How does someone do that though If you're the main cause of a problem, or something you have going on within you is a main cause of a problem, how could you NOT analyze that?

Is it a coping mechanism to make themselves the victim instead of the abuser?

I did a lot of wrong, I didn't do enough, but I don't like feeling as if it's all my fault. It's not fair ya know? I've heard the term gaslighting but I don't understand it at all. Can you or someone ELI5? I may not be able to control my behavior, but it is still my responsibility to take care of myself.

I have ADHD too. My doctor told me about the book Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell. I highly recommend it. It really helped me understand what was caused by the ADHD and how I can better myself without medication.

As far as the PTSD that can be a bitch, I hope you have a good doctor and that you find someone who sticks it out with you, because I'm sure you'll be putting up with their own eccentricities. I mean, that's what life is all about, being there for each other through the good and bad. Thank you for this post. It may not get a ton of up votes but that book is literally what I have been searching for, just diagnosed with ADD as an adult and my perception of the world has flipped completely.

Adderall has helped my focus I could parallel park my car with no issues for the first time within a half hour of taking it and helped me get rid of obsessive thought patterns for the most part but my mood has been all over the place with ptsd getting handled mixed with some shitty life incidents this year. Glad to help. I was diagnosed in my early 20's, but had it bad all through my school years. The 2nd doc i started seeing a few years later introduced the book.

I don't need Adderall as much now, I use schedules, alarms and routines to keep myself sane. Also, the days it's bad you'll notice you feel more down and frustrated. Watch out for that. And I come to these posts to see if I have even the tiniest bit of advice to give. That saying applies to everyone. We all have our best and worst.

Sure, there's a percentage of the population that will never be able to have a healthy relationship due to severe personality issues, and some people have really, really bad days, but there are people like me who felt the good days outnumber the bad.

If the person is willing to work on their illness then you should get down in the weeds with them, encourage their treatment, and be as involved as you can. You can't anchor yourself to a sinking ship. They need to do the work, you are just support. If you are some person with a unfufilled savior complex then move along, it doesn't work like that.

My husband struggled for years with depression before he made the decision to get help. I supported him and encouraged him but never tried to force him. Patience and just being there and letting your partner know that you're there for them are all very important in working through depression imo. I'm the depressed person in my relationship, and my wife has this adept ability to always be there for me, yet to give me the space I need to get out of my own head.

We've had many open discussions about my depression, and she has told me that her patience has been a saving grace. I'd add that being open and honest about it is a big factor.

The depressed shouldn't have to try and hide their bad days. So much easier if they don't feel anxious about saying "I'm having a bad day today" and their partner can just be like "No problem". Not like a suspicious side glance, or becoming an overbearing, overwhelming guardian like figure But if they're sleeping a little later, a lot more, or they're a bit quieter than usual, or changing the way they eat, or whatever Just ask what's up?

And then just ride through the storm with them. You're not gonna fix it, you really can't. But you can gauge what the temp is, and there are tiny ways you can help. I'm basically copy-pasting my response from a similar thread, because the advice is the same:. Dealing with depression is difficult and exhausting for everyone involved, including your SO. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of confidence in oneself, and a strong foundation of healthy communication skills in order to make a relationship work through depression.

My partner has suffered from depression for longer than I can remember and I've known her since grade school. There are ups and downs, for sure. But even at her lowest points she's a compassionate, hard-working person who loves me and wants the best for me. I love her and want the best for her.

The hardest thing is to acknowledge that sometimes, helping her is just not possible and I have to back off for my own sanity. A major depressive episode is like a bottomless pit, and you can throw energy into it until you have none left and not even make a dent for the person you're trying to help.

When it's like that, the only thing I can do as a supportive partner is let her know my love for her has no limits by my actions do. That is something they have to understand from their end too. If your relationships are to last through the darkest times, you have to be able to love someone even when they set limits on their love. They have to be proactive about their own mental health and ongoing support therapists, trusted friends, self care, etc.

They may never be able to "fix" their depression, but they need manage it to the best of their abilities. You must have multiple sources of support. Your partner must have several sources of support as well. If you rely only on each other you will both burn out.

Lean on friends and family when you can. See a therapist - and maybe your SO could see one too. You both need to be able to say "I can't handle helping you right now, please turn to someone else. My relationship with my partner is getting better over time. We know each other better every year, and she knows more about how to take care of herself every year. Her depression is never going to go away Don't feel bad or scared if you need leave them.

They might even kind of want you to. Wow, this one hit home I was broken up with about a year ago and it ended up being a huge relief once I was through the initial shock. This is super true. It might not work for you, but it can be helpful and supportive depending on what other therapies and interventions someone has been guided through. Being told it will be ok and really letting yourself try to feel safe and secure is quite a challenge!

That's what I used to tell myself, and my partner when he was depressed.

r/datingoverthirty: DatingOverThirty is a sub for discussion and advice on dating and relationships for people over the age of thirty. **This is not .

It's ok if it's not ok today, or not ok tomorrow. It might be ok one of the next few days. It might be ok next month.

It might be ok in a year. But it will be ok one day and you will have a whole life ahead of you. Helped me a lot, but I have episodic depression so it comes in waves.

It's like a fever for me, it always breaks. It helps to remember it will always break. I think the biggest difference is when people tell me it'll be ok, they're just trying to soothe me or calm me down vs when I tell myself it'll be alright I end up rationalizing why it would be in the end.

One statement I recognized as just empty words and the other had a string of hope attached to it because I personally believed it. This isn't to say that every person who says it doesn't mean it, but some are better at convincing me than others and I think that makes all the difference. I hate it when people say this. Besides some illnesses are lifelong. So it will be okay, and then not again, and then okay and then not again, forever.

Bealive it or not my ex and I are still really good friends. Well her current boyfriend doesnt understand depression and mental illnesses whatsoever. So when she's having a hard time, panic attack, ect she'll actually call me over him becuase she knows im really good at making her feel better and more supportive than he is. And you are allowed to not feel okay. Let yourself have those feelings so things can be okay later. This is actually really good advice. I go through fits of depression mostly related to the custody or lack thereof of my daughter, it's been going on 10 years now.

Whenever someone says, "it'll be okay soon" or something along those lines I can't help but get angry because, after all this time it's patently obvious that no, it won't be okay. I have the same thing.

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